As it was with the Washington county fair, I had the dubious honor of working this Halloween. The mall where I work has trick or treating every year as a safe option for kids. While I normally applaud something like this, this year it rained, driving every trick or treating family within 30 miles to the mall. Trick or treating lasts for 2 hours in the mall, and my 9 lbs of candy (500 pieces) lasted exactly 40 minutes, leaving me empty-handed but with ample time to do what I do best: people watch. So here, in no particular order are some observations from a night at Halloween at a crappy mall in upstate New York.
– Tally of overused costume ideas (40 minute period):
– 11 transformers
– 30 cowboys
7 Dorothy’s (including Toto in a basket)
At least 20 kids over 12 as “zombies” (see later observation)
– Free candy will bring out every dirty, smelly piece of white trash within a 50mile radius.
– Kids under 6 are friggin adorable at Halloween. They seem to make bear, dinosaur and princess costumes specifically aimed at making even the most homely child seem cute as hell for at least one day per year.
– Kids over 10 are annoying greedy little bastards on Halloween. Question: why the hell is your 15-year-old trick or treating? And why is pouring fake blood on a white t-shirt and jeans and going as a zombie acceptable? There should be an imagination requirement over the age of 8. The older you are, the more complex, difficult and freaking awe-inspiring your costume should be, forcing me to admit your superior Halloween spirit and give you extra candy…
– I know you’re 40. I know you hate your dead-end job as a cashier at Wal-Mart. I know you want to feel young again. BUT, that slutty maid costume you bought in the Jr section at work with you employee discount does NOT flatter your rolls and stretch marks… dumbass. You’re lucky your kids aren’t old enough to be embarrassed by you, although I can already see the pattern repeating itself, since you 11yr old is wearing denim super short denim shorts, cowboy boots and a wig, deluding themselves into thinking they’re Miley Cyrus…
– Young Children: if your child is still breast feeding or not walking yet, WE KNOW YOU’RE EATING THE CANDY… keep your greedy fat ass at home so your kid isn’t asleep in the stroller or screaming bloody murder while you whore them out for candy. Seriously, wait till the day after Halloween, go to Wal-mart and buy a bag of candy for 75% off. There’s swine flu going around, is your baby’s life worth a damn tootsie roll?
– Every child’s first Halloween is a Polaroid moment for parents. I could tell by the strobe light of camera flashes that assaulted me every time I handed a piece of candy to a child under 10. You do realize there are over 50 stores in the mall, right? Are you going to take a picture at EVERY stop? Or is it just cute that the 6’6” hairy guy is giving candy to your 2’2” toddler? I’m still seeing spots…
– Your daughter is 14. She should not be walking around the mall in hooker boots paired with any of the following costumes: Naughty Nurse, Maid, Miley Cyrus, Naughty Cat or slutty devil. Do you know how much teen pregnancy is rampant in upstate NY? Can you not read billboards? Do you remember when you were young and your first car had to come with a car seat? Missing your sophomore hop because your babysitter got asked to the dance too? Do you want to be a grandmother at 30? They should make a chastity belt Halloween costume…
So there it is. Halloween in Upstate New York. Hope you’re as traumatized as I am.